Having kids is a great way to give yourself some perspective and curb existential angst.
This is going to be a touchy subject as people have children for many different reasons - I'll describe a few significant groups:
- Those who do it to pass on knowledge, teach kids to be inquisitive and enjoy making/learning. This kind of parent themselves love learning, and raising a child is a massive part of their life journey
- Those who figure it's the next logical progression in their life/relationship, who wind up so tired from the combination of work and raising a child/children that yes their existential angst has been effectively banished. Some may find perspective when they finally find the time to reflect. Most are ultimately happy that they had kids
- Those who seemingly have Stockholm syndrome, evangelizing the joys of having kids in one breath and telling their children to shut up in another. The kind who had kids because they're a status symbol, a Rubicon of the aspirational class
The first kind make the best parents. We shouldn't try to sell kids as a solution to life's problems - otherwise we'll just keep making the second and third kinds of parents with each generation.
I don't love my daughter because I'm sharing some lifelong journey of learning, whatever that means. I love her because my brain is wired to do so, to flood my blood stream with neurotransmitters that and hormones in response to her.
You're right that there are many different reasons people love their kids. But your overly intellectuallized and snobbish categorization misses the main reasons. Most people aren't on a journey of learning, and probably don't even like learning very much. But even dumb uninquisitive people can derive great joy from raising families. It's the ultimate equalizer.
Indeed, throughout history and still today in at least Asia, much of the Americas, and the U.S., most people get married and have kids because of reason 2. I assure you they make perfectly fine parents and most derive tremendous joy from parenthood.
> I don't love my daughter because I'm sharing some lifelong journey of learning, whatever that means. I love her because my brain is wired to do so, to flood my blood stream with neurotransmitters that and hormones in response to her.
Yes, but that's more-or-less the same reason you feel anyway about anything.
The difference is the amount of cognition involved in the process of eliciting that reaction. When my daughter was little I'd feed her a bottle and snuggle her to sleep. My wife noted that when I did that I looked stoned.
My first sentence professed that "This is going to be a touchy subject as people have children for many different reasons" - I don't pretend to know why anyone here had kids.
But your overly intellectuallized and snobbish categorization misses the main reasons.
Here's some big ones I missed: working the farm and supporting the parents or for dowry. Entirely valid reasons to have kids depending on circumstance.
My point was that kids shouldn't be sold as a solution to existential problems. My best friend did just that and his relationship with his partner has disintegrated because it wasn't a realistic way of dealing with the issues that he has. He'll make a good dad and partner when he figures out what's burning inside him.
Kids are great, but by my observation, the primary logical motivation to have them is so that one can make sense of their own existence.
It's a never ending cycle to figure out what this life is about by giving birth to life which then again must solve the same question themselves.
However, do we really understand this existential angst at its root? Or is this simply a never-ending passing of the torch?
I'm not questioning how much joy children can bring to a couple's life but I've been thinking about the non-evolutionary purpose of having children for a while and I'm not sure how to think about it.
> However, do we really understand this existential angst at its root?
Children are a great reminder that understanding existence is irrelevant. Children don't contemplate their own existence, they simply experience and relish that existence. You can't be sure that you have any sort of purpose or destiny, but you can be sure of the ground beneath your feet and the sand between your toes. Children get that intuitively, and for a long time they can't approach life any other way.
People have kids for all sorts of reasons, ranging from emotional to rational to accidental! Plus plenty of variation in parenting styles and the benefits thereof. I'm not sure there's much to say about a single purpose.
However, your ideas about the passing of the big questions to a new generation does strike a chord.
Speaking as a non-parent, the biggest mistake I see parents make is to live through their kids. I get that it's natural, partly because parents want the best for their kids and try to give them all they can, but in my opinion kids need role models more than almost anything else, and if their role models are martyrs is it any wonder that the cycle continues?
It takes wisdom to balance life as a parent with life as an adult, I'm sure it's not always easy, but I hope that if I'm ever a parent I'll remember to try, as it seems healthier for both kids and parents.
I know that sounds pithy, but the reality is most folks don't really hit their adult stride until their late twenties or early thirties. My peers and siblings all shared that same experience. To be honest, I wonder if it's actually bio/neurological.
Coincidentally, that's also about the timeframe when a lot of folks start having kids. So is it really the kids that gave you "perspective and curb existential angst"? Or was it just natural maturation, and the kids happened to be around at the time?
And let's suppose it isn't biological. That it's the kids themselves. I'd contend what you're actually doing is just distracting yourself... it's tough to care about the meaning of life when you're up at 2am changing another diaper. Is that perspective? Or is it just horse blinders?
